I suppose it’s fitting that during Bush’s last speech to the UN, it’s revealed that his speeches are written out in 36 point font like children’s books. And wth each and every word underlined, too — as if to remind that skipping words is not allowed. Is it all spelled out phonetically, too? I wouldn’t doubt it.

Considering the avalanche of disasters brought about by Bush’s reign, it figures that his outro would be nothing less than the collapse of the American empire. Okay, Ahmadinejad said that, but I think we can all agree that some radical readjustment is in the works.

And back in Washington, the representative from Ohio laid out quite nicely the precise nature of Bush’s final act. Thank God we’ve only 117 days until someone else is running this place. Assuming there’s anything left of it by then.

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Annie, are you OK? Not particularly. I’m out at the Javits Center attending Virtual Worlds 2008 and run into this. Genius.

While the “break glass and use” light sabers showing up in bus stops around NYC are hugely clever and the “Chewbacca: the Original Wingman” ads have a lowbrow appeal, this one has to be my favorite. Hey, maybe I will watch Star Wars for the 2000th time after all.

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Which of these covers doesn’t belong? During a week when bottom feeding media coverage was the norm, we look to the highbrow outlets provide relief, right? Not so much.

Instead, we saw the New York Times congratulated for being “way out in front” of governor pay-per-tryst the instant they linked “Kristen’s” (now) well traveled myspace page. And when paparazzi shots of Britney showed up on the front of thoughtful, 150 year old Atlantic Monthly, I was convinced the apocalypse had come. I mean, sure, they’ve got a different spin (exploring how the photographers work is their excuse for posting salacious shots), but do you buy it? Wanna know how Luiz Betat got the shot of Britney shaving her head? It’s all here! That’s the kind of behavior we expect from the New York Post.

Then again, sales of April’s Atlantic will surely annihilate those of any other issue this year, enabling the semi-struggling younger-audience-wanting mag to keep on chugging into its 151st year. That’s some kind of silver lining, I suppose.

But here’s the worst part: It worked. They sucked me in. I read ‘em all. The New York Post, The Atlantic (Britney first!), New York Magazine. (My excuse for reading the Post is a hawker in Union Square handed me a sponsored copy. Weak, no?) Hell, I even visited Ashley’s music store. (Favorite comment: “Only 98 cents? I thought it was five thousand bucks for the hour. What a steal.”). No moral here; just owning up to being a rubbernecker like everyone else. Sadly, this new Atlantic may be onto something.

Read The Atlantic’s Britney stalking exposé and watch The Times act like probing a prostitute is quality investigative journalism.

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I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from the Superstream but, after last night, I’m a believer. What is the Superstream exactly? It’s 3 video feeds (one for each of the 9rules owners: Mike, Scrivs, Tyme) and a chat room for the rest of us. Were the triad like a lot of other dot com crews, the thing would be like watching paint dry (how can we drive shareholder value today?). Fortunately, they ain’t.

The conversation ranged from serious relationship talk to a broad variety of SxSW misbehavior to the mysterious opening and shutting of the door behind Mike and, oh yeah, exactly what orifice do the gold flakes in Goldschläger exit from, anyway? But mostly it had the ring of a group of friends blowing off steam after a long week. A bunch of seriously funny friends. Mike had the hysterical faces (and break dancing) on lock, Paul did filter free monologues (and twitters), and Tyme injected just enough sanity into the mix to make it all hold together. With the rest of us in the peanut gallery egging them on, it produced comedy gold. How do I know? Well, I tuned in at 11pm thinking I’d be done by midnight. Next time I looked up it was 2am. And my sides hurt.

If personality is king, the triad has it in spades. More of that, please.

Dates and times are hard to come by and announcements can happen minutes before the actual event but, if last night is any guide, keeping an eye out is worth it — even if you do pay for it the next day. Did I mention we all did shots?

Update: More on last night’s events in 9rules Notes.

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For some reason, I find this juxtaposition of real NBA stars feigning shock with stickers of rockers feigning anger hysterical. Happy Halloween and I sincerely apologize.

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Golden State Warriors phenom Baron Davis’ inner Artist came out last night when he wore a weird-ass flight jacket to the postgame press conference. Was he bummed that the Utah Jazz just pulled the plug on his postseason? Hard to tell since his wardrobe malfunction made him look ready to party like it’s 1999. Too bad it’s 2007, eh?

Via e-mail: I had heard rumors of him having an affair with President Musharraf, but this just proves it!!

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Jīngjing likes bringing a gun to a knife fight. Jīngjing likes tossing his buddies into walls. And he doesn’t mind mixing baseball and rhythmic gymnastics, either. But then pandas have never quite had the best attitude, have they?

When we were in China we fell in love with Jīngjing and friends, known collectively as Fuwa — the Beijing 2008 Olympic mascots. All five of them are a great fun, particularly considering how stiff so many of the recent mascots have been (Izzy, anyone?). We brought a plush set stateside and seeing them daily just underscores the amount of thought that went into their design.

The best part, though, is how well they lend themselves to the olympic events…and gangland showdowns. (If only Jīngjing would hold that gun gangsta grip.) By the way, do you think Beijing having five mascots has anything to do with the fact that Nagano had four? I sense a Far East stuffed animal arms race in the making.

Find more on the Beijing’s good luck dolls at Wikipedia and have a look down the wicked strange olympic mascot memory lane. Now let’s hope Fuwa don’t see many more freakish fairy tale outbursts.

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The upside of having a friend that works for Firaxis is you get a town named after you in their new game. The downside? Calling the town a shanty is being polite (note septic tank) and that very same town appears to be in desperate need of “nitrates.” You see, nitrates are a traded commodity in Sid’s Railroads and they come from farms — specifically, in the form of animal-produced fertilizer.

What does all this mean? Well, basically it means that my dead-end town should expect a train piled high with shit to pull up any minute. Pleasant, no? Ah, the refined joys of friendship…

Railroads should be gold shortly and in stores faster than you can say “train dumps cow dump on dumpy town.”

Update: Railroads is Golden

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Is Grease and Taxi star Jeff Conaway (left) reborn in the form of Project Runway contestant Vincent Libretti? Sure looks that way. And it wouldn’t be Conaway’s first brush with reality tv, either. Remember his fabulously loaded shennanigans on Celebrity Fit Club earlier this year? (Shades of Crispin Glover’s batshit insane appearance on Letterman back in 1987.) And I thought Jeff hit bottom when he did Babylon 5…

Maybe Runway curators Heidi and Tim can whip his ass into shape. After all, a heart breaks every minute he stays flabby and deranged.

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Geox ads freak me out. I mean it’s a great idea to have clothes that breathe and all, but these shoes appear to be forcibly expelling huge quantities of noxious with every single step. Note to Geox: Anyone who sweats enough to eject this amount of fluid from their feet has more problems than you can solve with a shoe. And they need to keep it in their shoes, too.

The approach is clearly working, though — Geox is super profitable compared to similar shoe companies. And they recently opened a 6000 sq ft store on Madison Ave. Apparently, pointing out that feet generate 100 liters of sweat a year pays dividends. Spray on.

Want more freakout? Watch a kid’s feet jump off and run away because of his raunchy kicks. For more on the (actually fairly interesting) company, check this brief history.

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